Death of the Inner Voice
A wizened old lady sitting by the pond
Her face lined with wrinkles
Thoughts far beyond.
Wait here. The hero had said. Surely I shall come
So pining here, the lady sat.
Just watching. Keeping mum.
Often the lady would arrive
and wait by the pond
throughout the night.
Ready to provide
Words of wisdom,
To her knight.
Alas, her hero didn’t come.
And now she was losing hope
It’s hard, she despaired
Like climbing a slippery slope
Was her great chapter coming to a close?
Will I die waiting forever?
I had so much to say, sweet soul of mine
So much to share, so much to shine.
All my treasures within
Were to be thine.
All the primal wisdom
Will now Go. Buried deep
In my eternal bosom.
Such a tragedy. Such a shame
All the hero had to do
Was show up and claim
His glorious place under the sun.
Such a tragedy. Such a shame
Now I die, unclaimed.
Wasted life. Failed endgame.
(Poem penned by – Mukta Mani Punj)
Why I want to blog
The above lines from my pen are self-explanatory.
This is the desperate call of our inner voice, the divine muse, when she feels that, yet again, one more period of the soul’s physical existence on the earthly plane is nearing its end. With the end looming large on the horizon, desperation creeps in for the inner voice; desperation to be heard, to be seen, to be acknowledged.
“I am here. I am here NOW. I AM.”
This is one call that I am determined to heed now. Today I listen to my inner wisdom, the voice of my higher self and gladly write for all to read. But it wasn’t always so.
Writing has always been my divine calling. I was born to write. All my life, it has been my go-to for the expression of each and every feeling of my soul – joy, pain, victory, despair, loneliness, bliss and what-not.
I journaled through every stage of my life.
My writings yearned to see the light of the day. Only, I wouldn’t allow them.
Because I thought –
- Don’t be dilutional, Mukta. Who would be interested in reading your stuff?
- I am not a good enough writer. There are others who are far more skilled than me.
- Others will ridicule me on reading my thoughts.
- I can earn far more from my running business if I devote the time that I’ll spend writing, to my business instead.
The more excuses I manufactured for hiding my writing, the more guilty, unrequited and empty, I felt inside.
I was denying the existence of something that made up a large part of my personality. I was denying my divine calling.
Anger & Bitterness – for self as well as directed at others. Self-loathing. Feelings of guilt. Shame. Unexplained frustration.
I was living under a proverbial rock and stubbornly refused to come out.
What caused my change of heart?
I fell madly, deeply, irrevocably, stupendously, head-over-heels in love with MY SELF.
I still remember the exact moment when it happened.
I was sitting in a guided meditation session. It was about opening up of the heart chakra. Right in the middle of the session, I felt a warm, loving, divine energy – silvery pink in colour – touch my heart. And in a flash, this silvery pink light expanded from my heart outwardly, filling up the entire room. From the tip of my toes, all the way up to my crown chakra, I was filled with a distinct feeling of pure love. Never in all my life had I felt so completely and unconditionally loved. I felt the warm, loving embrace of divine energy – I was held within The Divine Mother’s arms. Tears began flowing down my cheeks. And then I was sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t remember for how long I sat there, hugging myself, while crying my heart out. It was as if divine unseen hands had magically opened the floodgates of all the pent up anguish of this as well as all my past births. The massive deluge washed away an immense invisible weight off my heart and soul, leaving me feeling light as a feather.
I was born again that day.
The experience lasted for a few minutes. But it altered my inner landscape, my soul’s trajectory, forever.
I call my experience – Touched by The Divine.
It awakened within me, a whole new way of looking at myself. It opened doors within me that I, so far, was stubbornly keeping shut. The Divine, that day, allowed me to look at myself the way She looks at me – with love so pure and deep that it shook me to the core.
Even though the experience was magically profound, it will be false of me to say that ALL my self-limiting beliefs got shattered that day. No, they did not. It’s still work-in-progress for me. But what it did do was – I began looking at my ‘self’ as a mother would look at her child – loving her despite all her foibles, encouraging her to do her heart’s desire, being supportive rather than being brutally critical (which I had been all along). And most importantly, all comparisons stopped. I actually began acknowledging the uniqueness of my inner divine light.
And from out of the mental fog of self-limiting beliefs, emerged a sort of clarity that I had been praying for, from my loving Divine.
Today – I write for myself.
Not for others. Not with any grand desire to ‘help’ others; that is not my primary goal. If The Divine wants my message to reach someone out there for their benefit, it sure will. I’ll feel honored.
But for now, I write to make ME happy. I write because my inner voice wants to be heard and I will do everything within my power to see to it that her voice reaches all corners of the universe.
And so it shall be. And so it is.